When Will Things Get Easier?

tazmanian devilMaybe life isn’t going to be easy. Maybe it never was? But I seem to remember a time when things were more peaceful, more in synch with God and the universe, or something.

Or, maybe I’m fooling myself? Like the grandparents that say their generation wasn’t as awful as the next generation…. maybe, like forgetting the pain of childbirth, I forget that things never were ever that easy?

I don’t know. Certainly, my problems are all of my own making — well, actually, except the miscarriage, and actually except the economy wrecking the real estate market.  True, the miscarriage wasn’t my fault. The economy going in the tank wasn’t my fault.  But everything else was.  No, the bankruptcy wasn’t “technically” my fault – that was his fault.  But I went along with all of the decisions that led up to it.  I enabled it all.  It’s not like I haven’t tried.  An entrepreneur, I’m naturally an optimist.  I keep trying to “figure it out.”  I keep trying new things, working hard, coming up with new ideas and plans.  I think of my mother’s voice saying, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”  Maybe she never even said that, but it seems like something she would say.

I have always had good intentions.  I really have intended to get spiritually and physically fit, sober forever, be a good wife and mother, create beautiful successful magazines that the local communities would enjoy.  Create a nice home for my family.  Lose weight, for goodness sakes — how long am I going to carry around these extra 30 pounds and pretend it doesn’t bother me?

How am I supposed to do all of this without a driver license for ten years?  Yes— the DUI last June and a crappy expensive lawyer; and now I’ve lost my license for ten years.  I just can’t accept this. And everybody is admonishing me (everybody who cares about me, anyways) for driving on a suspended license.  I’m not driving very much. I had to drive the boys to tennis practice and guitar lessons — the lady I traded an ad with to drive me places always gets migraines at the last minute.  So, my children have missed their activities.  The kids have been through enough — I’m not going to cancel tennis and guitar, too.

And all the relapses.  Man how I hate that word, “relapse.”  It makes me feel like such a failure.  All of the shame that’s piled up in my amygdala in the last five years. I relapsed last April and before that I relapsed in October of 2009.  And who knows if I’ll relapse again — I don’t have any faith in my ability to stay sober. And I’m supposed to give it to God and He will keep me sober– if I “do the work.”  I guess, to be honest — and aren’t I allowed to be honest here — I guess I don’t trust Him.  He’s given me more than I can handle and I always thought He said he wouldn’t do that?

So, when life happens, which is every frickin day, when life happens, then what?  Sometimes I just don’t want to be strong.  Sometimes I just want to say forget it and throw my cares to the wind, escape from it all just for about five hours.  But I can’t.

So, here you go — instead of “relapsing,” I’ll just dump all my authentic garbage on my anonymous blogger friends.  I’d rather relapse.  But I won’t.

I don’t ever do this.  I don’t like to complain. I hate (I hate the word hate but it fits here) to think of myself as a complainer and somebody that pours all my problems out on everybody.  And please don’t freak out on me and offer a lot of advice — here is where I make all my excuses for myself — I’m really fine.  Really, I am really fine. Please don’t worry or freak out. Just some days — even on absolutely beautiful sunny days like today, I feel hopeless.  As always, I logically know God is there. I know everything.  And that’s probably my problem.

The image of the Tazmanian Devil is my “logo” (I’m a brand/marketing girl at heart) for my alcoholism.  This little devil is the imagery I use in my head for my alcoholic personality. I picture a locked caged with this crazy spaztic Tazmanian Devil banging on the cage, begging me to get out, let him loose, just for a minute… But I have to, have to, have to keep him locked up; because if I let him out, even for “just a minute” (or, just five hours!) then I may never be able to get him back into the cage.

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28 thoughts on “When Will Things Get Easier?

    • 🙂 thank you… I won’t. But sometimes I wish I could. Just watched a TED talk on authenticity and it influenced me to be authentic, admit that sometimes I am just not ok. It goes against my inclination to put it out there that, I’m fine.” Sometimes I’m just not fine.

  1. And yes, it will get better so long as we rely on God and practice the steps. Recovery is about identifying and removing character defects (sins). We will continue to experience life, however, God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. We will also “learn how to handle situations that used to baffle us.”

    • You cannot heal what you do not acknowledge, and what you do not concisely acknowledge will remain in control of you from within, festering and destroying you and those around you. That’s why steps 4 – 7 are so important to me.

      • I am in big need of 4-7 and confession. The thought of going there and looking within however scares me. It’s a catch 22. I don’t want to acknowledge all of the muck because I’m afraid it will make me hate myself but I continue to hate myself because I’m not acknowledging all of the muck.

  2. Hola Number 9. It’s ok to vent! This is your blog, and you can say what you want to. It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to! haha. Your blogs are beautiful and honest and I love them. You have helped me so much with your honesty and strength and faith. Keep it up!

  3. I’m not an addict or an alcoholic. I just married one and birthed one. I used to be this crazy person who ran around after them. Now I stick to dealing with my own messes. But, like you, I had/have some serious trust issues with God. This year I turn fifty and I decided to write and finish that book that I’ve wanted to write my whole life. I decided to lose 30-40 lbs that my endocrinologist begs me to lose and I decided to let my son deal with his own addiction in his own time. I don’t know why it took so long to decide and know that I would do these things but it happens when it happens. And it happened when I allowed God to start planning my days. I’m down 12 lbs. I’m a fourth of the way through my first draft and I’m minding my own business. It is still a struggle but hard isn’t impossible. Just thought I’d share.

    • Hattie, I am an alcoholic mother of a 13 year old son, so I cannot relate to you in that way. I just want to tell you that addictions come in many forms, as you know: alcohol, drugs, work, gambling, over eating, sex, etc…… You are correct. Let Go, Let God. So much easier said than done. That’s what I don’t “get”. My life would be so much happier and easier if I could just “let go, let God”. But I don’t. Oy vey! Still trying. : ) Thank you, Hattie!

    • Oh Hattie thank you SO MUCH for your comment. It’s so easy to get caught up in my own head and forget the people who love me that have to live with me! Being married to an alcoholic must be heart wrenching. Why can’t they/we just be sober? And my bigger fear, a fear I can’t relinquish to God, is that one of my sons becomes alcoholic.

  4. I have always characterized my addictions as “gremlins”. They started out small and relatively harmless but after all these years of feeding them they have grown into monsters, that have ruined significant portions of my life. I drove four years with an open container of alcohol in my car. By God’s grace or my stupid blind luck I never got pulled over or never got into an accident. If I had, my life would have changed in an instant. Most accidents occur within one mile of one’s residence. It scares me that you are driving without a license. Especially, if you are afraid you might relapse. I remember sharing with my counselor about my risk taking when I was drinking and after I sobered up she shared with me how deeply afraid she was for my safety. I just had no way of seeing it because those pesky gremlins were so hungry (and thirsty).

    • I think you are exactly right because I have no concept of risk it seems and everybody that loves me is afraid for me but I’m not afraid. I should be afraid and I’m not.

  5. Such a brave post… I am the same way, I’d rather write about the happy times, and am reluctant to share the unhappy ones. This has been inspirational for me to read, thanks for your courage. I am praying for you, and I look forward to reading about when the light at the end of tunnel breaks through (because I have faith that it will!).

  6. We all need to just get it out sometimes. I really appreciate your honesty because, truth is, recovery is hard! You’ll get there. I’ve been thinking I need to work the steps again – just to get grounded. Hugs and prayers to you!

  7. The whole point of the blog is to let off steam, so do it. 10 years without a licence is harsh. I’ll be praying for you. I keep reading (in my spiritual reading) that when God seems far away it’s because one’s perception of Him has changed. Stick with it, lovely. Xx

  8. Just found your helpful. interesting blog. In early March I informed my partner of 14 years that I was going to pursue chastity and sobriety. That resulted in our sudden separation. I now belong to an ACA group and am working my own program. My partner has been on a definite downward spiral. Of course, my drug of choice has been the addict, even though I was binge drinking before our separation. Alcohol has not even been the slightest temptation since I quit, but I am continually obsessing over my partner and our broken relationship. I am coming to see that relapse for me would be to return to that relationship. I need the twelve steps just as badly as any drunk on skid row. Appreciate your prayer support very much!

    • Oh alan what a brave tough decision! Thank you so much for reaching out. Yes! We are all in this together! Prayers for you and prayers you may live the serenity prayer each day! regina

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