Goodness. It’s been a helluva year. When I started this blog three years ago, I kept it private only for me. I used it sort of as an online private journal of sorts. I wonder now what my motives were? Why not just put my journal in an online word document? Why blog my private journal? Thinking back, I guess I have always had –as most creative types do – an ambition to have my words live on after me. Why my words would matter or be interesting to anybody after I’m gone I don’t know..but creative types like me have a deep sense of purpose–even in the midst of our despair–as if what we think, feel, and have to share matters to somebody someday some where? Who knows? It’s like an ego maniac with an inferiority complex. Nobody cares what I have to say. What I have to say is so deep and important. Maybe it will mean something to somebody? ha ha ha.. not.
So, here I am. blogging again. sober again. I had been sober for a while but relapsed in April on Spring Break. I just wanted to “have fun” lol. Have fun. Two months later of “having fun” got me more consequences, a horrible bottom, a DUI, the threat of the loss of my family… In just two months after a casual uneventful “relapse,” my whole world crashed around me. We think, “Oh I’ve been sober so long I don’t have a problem anymore.” Or, “I can handle it. It won’t get that bad this time.” la la la
So, the casual, “I’ll just have one glass of wine on spring break,” turned into daily drinking within weeks. It’s insane! Sometimes I get so angry with God-why me? Why can’t I have a drink or two at parties or with dinner? And He says this is my cross. This is what He has given me to help me, my family and others. God gave me alcoholism—and yes, I am clearly an “alcoholic”- in order to help myself and help others.
I’m back. I’m back here blogging. And oh I have stories to tell lol! Warm prayers and love to all of you,