Home Runs, PMS and Career Transition in Sobriety

READER WARNING: this post makes no sense and is long and rambling–so you can probably skip it.

Yesterday was I guess what I would call a “bad” day. I put that into quotations because in all honesty it wasn’t that bad. But it was tinged with an emotional state which made it nearly impossible for me to appreciate the beautifulness of it all.

pms4Skip this post if you believe PMS is a crutch that women use to justify all kinds of behavior and emotions. A lot of people get uncomfortable when someone blames PMS for things. Not me. Because PMS is so real. I’m wicked in touch with my body/mind/soul connection and for the few days a month when my hormones are acting up there really is not much I can do other than turn the whole day over to God. When I am in the throws of hormonal imbalance, I am 100% aware of the fact I am not in control. And so I put it all into an imaginary box with a pink ribbon and hand my little day over to God saying, “Here you go.  I can’t makes things work today. You take it.”

Yesterday was this kind of day.  I was so weepy all day. I worked a few hours on site for a client–well, not really a client but a marketer who sub-contracts with me to do social media for her clients—who then took me out to lunch. Because of my herniated disc issue in my back, sitting for extended periods of time really starts to hurt. So, I was in physical discomfort. Plus, she was asking me questions about my goals for my business and career. Since I’m in a mid-life thing with that aspect of my life, I did what I always do to dodge serious things; and I just talk, talk, talk about everything and nothing until the time runs out and it’s time to go.

pms2So, after I left lunch, I sat in my car and cried.  I felt so unsettled and useless.  I don’t know what I want to do with my life. My whole career was in sales but that was an accident—I do not have the salesperson personality but I unfortunately am still pretty good at it.  So, I’d sell, win the awards, bust past my quota, and then go home and cry.

I’m in the process, over the last 12 months, of transitioning from sales to marketing. I love marketing—there is so much  writing involved in marketing. And a lot of the persuasiveness of marketing is through the written word: social media, blogging, twitter, press releases, special event planning, content development.  Love this stuff!  And right up my alley.

But I suffer the confidence factor—who would want to hire me?  My clients–who have come through referrals, connections with friends– over the last year have raved about my work. And I’ve been able to get prime media coverage for some pretty obscure local businesses, which I am excited about; but I still lack the confidence to go out and try to get more clients.

I stick to local entrepreneurs–those that normally wouldn’t do the “background” check on me. With rehab and a DUI on my record I usually don’t apply for corporate gigs. With bigger resources and departments, they will probably Google me, find out I’ve got all sorts of baggage. I’m not proud of my baggage.

pms3I think most people have baggage but not the public kind. Maybe they were in a bad relationship and overcame it. Maybe they had Cancer and recovered. Maybe they grew up in a broken home. That’s a different kind of baggage.  Mine is public record.  And then here I am adding more publicity to my baggage by blogging about it all!  What is up with that?

I guess I’m trying to face my fear and in the process of sharing my story, hopefully help others.  In doing so, I have to let the insecurity over my baggage go.  I have to wrap it up in a box and a bow and give it to God. He can do with my baggage what He thinks is most useful to His plan.

Back to PMS. After lunch with my client/contractor  I had a doctor appointment for my back–an evaluation which is the pre-appointment to getting the shot that will help ease the nerve pain. I drove up and down McGinnis Ferry Road looking for this Emory Johns Creek Hospital and couldn’t find it. I used GPS, which never helps me because I can’t determine which way is East and which way is South. So when it tells me, “Go East on blah blah blah and then turn Left, I usually guess– and guess wrong–and end up on the other side of town looking for a road out West that was actually East.

So, I cried.  Sobbed. I’m driving and cryin’ (which happens to be the name of one of my favorite bands from my college days in Athens, Georgia: Drivin and Cryin’). And, I called Husband, in tears,

“I can’t find it!”

In the middle of a hard deadline and client pressure at work, he doesn’t have time for this, but he can tell I’m upset, “What can’t you find?”

“The doctor’s office.” sob, sob

“Can you call them?”

“Yes. Ok, I will call them.” sob, sob

“Ok, baby.”

“Ok, bye (sobs).”  And I hang up.

So I pull over, Google the office number and call–apparently I had gone too far down McGinnis Ferry and had to backtrack. Finally I found it, parked and had to walk what in my emotional state felt like “100 miles” to the front entrance–I called my husband, still sobbing, “I found it. But it’s so far and my back is really killing me. And, and, and..”

And he again stops what he’s doing and tells me everything will be okay.  So, I say okay and good-bye again.

After waiting over (more sitting) an hour I finally got called in; and the doctor did all the doctor things–I said, “I’m sorry I’m just so weepy today…tears welling up in my eyes.”  And she told me it was okay. And we scheduled the appointment for the shot for next Friday.

The doctor seemed generally relieved I wasn’t there to ask for pain medicine—I don’t do narcotics, obviously. But I get the impression all these back pain doctors get a lot of folks shopping for opiates–she seemed genuinely surprised I didn’t need pain medicine. I just wanted the appointment to get the shot that would make this pain go away.

Sob, sob, sob…  purchase a pack of cigarettes–and I had quit for 2013 New Years resolutions— and they actually did help. That nicotine buzz helped, I’m embarrassed to say—yes more baggage-I smoke! Sob, sob. Good, well-adjusted people don’t smoke, sob, sob…

homerun benI got home, just in time to meet the kids from carpool, and called my sister. The one that always knows just the right Catholic, God thing to say. Sob, sob.

I took Ben to his baseball game and FINALLY I began to feel normal again. In this hormone thing, we/I can get so caught up inside myself. And the baseball game took me out of myself.  My brother-in-law  came  to watch Ben play, and I was so touched by this.  On a Friday night he came all the way out to Macedonia to watch my son play baseball for 2 hours.  Of my five brother-in-laws, he definitely gets the Brother-in-Law of the Month award.  And talking with him helped take me out of myself.

And then Ben hit is first home run!!!!! He was so proud, head held so high, that humble smile on his face, that lift in his step afterwards and all the high-fives from his teammates. He even got a skinned knee sliding into home which made it even more exciting! I was so thrilled for him. What a feeling to hit a home run for a 12-year-old boy!  And I was there to see it. And he got the game ball afterwards!

And I was sober and present and grateful to God that I didn’t have a thermos filled with beer in my hands. I was fully present and that enabled the joy. So yay!  And I was grateful that my PMS would soon pass, as it always does each month. It’s so annoying, but it does humble me. At least once a month I am able to see my powerlessness and turn it over to God. I am so powerless over PMS.

Anyways, sorry for my guy followers — you can send your prayers to Husband who has to bear with me every month.

Make it a great day!

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19 thoughts on “Home Runs, PMS and Career Transition in Sobriety

  1. I was laughing at that last line about sending prayers to your husband, but also because my initials are PMS, so every time I read something about PMS I always have a little chuckle. It’s all about me!
    Quite the day you had – emotionally and otherwise. I can actually relate in some ways because when I was drinking, and especially in very early sobriety, my moods were all over the place, I got weepy, I got angry and I was on a perpetual emotional roller coaster…all day and all night. It’s hard. But I certainly feel for you 🙂

    What you said about being present and sober and grateful…that was wonderful. No beer in the thermos, no wondering when the game would be over so you could get another drink, no worrying about the driving, no worrying about all those kind of things. I neglected my son in many ways when I drank – emotionally unavailable, physically sick, etc. So glad that we can be with our boys in meaningful, loving, caring ways now.

    Congrats on yours for getting the home run and ball after the game – he must have been chuffed!

    Loved this post 🙂

    Love and Light,
    Paul

    • thank you Paul!!! I just got back from my favorite weekly meeting—7:30am. It’s the only “mixed” meeting I go to as the rest of them are all womens meetings. feeling chipper now. there was a newcomer and it was a really great meeting. Have a great day and thank you for reading through this long post!

  2. What a day you should be proud that in the end you put it in perspective and were still grateful. A nice example for all of us!

  3. Phew. Phew. PMS. Mine is rough, too. But better without booze.

    Phew. Being lost and not on time is even harder with PMS. And I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. Or I do, but I can’t quite figure out how to place it.

    Thank god for patient husbands and tears. And home runs. 🙂

  4. PMS!!!!
    I was so relieved when it finally run to its end…
    only to find out that had been blended with Pre Menopause
    followed by Menopause then …Post Menopause…
    HRT did not help much either, it is being talked up too much
    During the Progesterone cycle i would turn into Devil incarnate
    with a strong urge to kick an empty chair if out of place
    or our cat -annoying as she was always walking in-between my feet risking me to trip-
    things i could tolerate patiently and lovingly at all other times.
    It does not get any better…
    One needs a lot of God and or Beer…
    Not i get much of any…
    i just talk to a ‘Him’ bothers me its a give ‘Him” why not “Her”
    -in my own head- as if someone is listening or simply out of the room…
    i m used to my monologues and knowing
    i have to cope and go through alone no matter what
    or so it appears.

    I admire your discipline and determination to keep away from alcohol
    and it will most likely be a battle for life. It will be worthwhile to rise Proud
    and Triumphant at the end of your days knowing you were a Winner in Control!

    I recognised in my early teenage years my tendency and hereditary inclinations
    from a maternal quiet alcoholic grandfather and kept away from it all
    as if it was poison. I do indulge in grapes!, Lol!

    • Love your monologue! How smart of you to stay away from drinking from the beginning! I hope my sons do that. I think I might be almost to peri menopause. My mom said she never went through any of this because she had a hysterectomy after her 11th baby. PMS is very real. And awful!

      • Number 9 hopefully your Son will be inspired by your own discipline and determination and will keep away from it.
        Lol!…are you number 9 before mum’s hysterectomy?
        Well after having 11 babies your mum had a good reason to have it but unless there is a health serious reason i consider it a bit of a drastic solution and am generally against interfering and cutting out what nature has put in place.
        I agree, PMS is Real and Awful and varies in intensity from person to person … the plus here against menopause hot flushes, panic attacks, osteoporosis, etc etc is that it only lasts for a few days and then the ‘angel’ in you /us women comes back till the next cycle.
        Hope this makes you feel better next cycle, lol!
        Have a great day!

        • Ha ha ha it doesn’t make me cycle. As for my Mom it was medical. But even if she hadn’t had it I bet she wouldn’t have felt PMS or menopause! She just never had an emotional way about her. Even now she’s just a doer takes care of everyone else, and it isn’t in any self serving passive aggressive way.. She really is like Mother Theresa for our big big family. Giving is the source of her joy. It very very unusual and unique.

          Last night I was with three sisters and my mom to celebrate my god daughters 5th birthday and we were laughing about how I have always been in favor of taking a pill if it helps or having surgery if it fixes something. I’m all about letting modern medicine do its thing. I think most people are like you though and prefer more natural approaches. Along with surgery if necessary and medicine if necessary I’m also a big fan of regular monthly massage and have used acupuncture and hyperbaric and colonics and all that too so I guess I’m an ” all of the above” kind of girl. I’m that way with our energy policy as well ha ha ha! Drill baby drill!

          • Sounds like you have a terrific Mum!

            Lucky she is to have not experienced the monthly PMS nuisance as the upside of the ‘medical’ .

            I Like message, and had it some time back when it was all about me, before family took priority as well as acupuncture and colonics … the former two preferred but all three useful. I respect medicine but have never found it helpful other than diagnostics – prefer natural whenever and wherever and avoid all invasive especially of the ‘cut or chop ‘ this of id gives trouble. I prefer to pursue and fix trouble rather than punish my body unless there is no other way or a matter of life/death situation. nature knows why has put things in place and all do complex and synergistic tasks. Eliminating one creates network problems that manifest later on … Have i convinced you ” Lol! 🙂

        • ha ha! no! I guess I agree with you the natural way is the “ideal” way. But i’m all about the quick fix! fix me doctor so i can go back to living my life. ha ha. must be the alcoholic in me.

  5. Ugh. PMS. Its so hard isn’t it? I have also had a bad hormonal crash 3 days after giving birth to each of my 3 boys. I am a grateful AlAnonic- so I am not in danger of drinking myself to death but am in danger of being so neurotic I drive someone else crazy and they kill me. Very humbling! I give thanks for AlAnon and AA. I love Fr Emmerich’s talks- he is so funny and wise. Have you checked out Heather King’s blog Shirt of Flame or read her memoirs Thirst and Redeemed? If not, go!! You’ll love her.

    • The thing I hate about PMS is there is nothing I can do about it! It’s beyond my control. Turning it over to God is the ONLY way to have any sanity at all. There should be a 12 Step Program for PMS ha ha!

    • Oh and no I haven’t gotten Heathers book yet but it has been on my list. Since you’re the second person to recommend it to me this week I will go ahead and get it today!

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