angst


Angst. I just don’t have any.

Last night, a friend was explaining how she and every other woman she knows is filled with angst, bored with their lives and kids and husbands. This particular friend has everything—it’s so odd that she wouldn’t be completely happy. Three great boys. Great husband. Nice home. Tons of friends. From my perspective they drink too much but from my perspective every body drinks to much. LOL. But other than the overdoing it on the partying I can’t see any reason why she would be so angst-filled. She wants to start a blog about it. And she has so many girlfriends and claims they all feel the same way.

The only two things I can think of that might be missing in her life are gratitude and complete faith and trust in God.

It was a little tough last night for me. But also very revealing! So funny how I continue to be amazed at the things I learn about myself and others the longer I am sober. I’ve said this before but I really feel like I am learning life and people lessons that I probably should have learned a LONG time ago.

Last night we went to a bar/restaurant..actually a “gastropub” as it were in midtown. The beer list was amazing. I was always a beer girl so the beer list itself got me a little forlorn. I suggest “dogfish” for Rob, a dark ale that sounded really yummy. I had a red bull.

After we went inside because of the rain we sat at a really long table—about 20 of us I suppose. I kept sliding down toward one end of the table, away from the heaviest drinkers and the smokers. Not so much that I don’t like them but because that is where I used to GRAVITATE. That is where I used to want to sit, to HAVE to sit. That side of the table the laughter is a little louder, the jokes are a little funnier, the people sit a little closer, the energy is a bit greater…

I LIVED on that side of the table for most of my adult life. Sad to admit that now because I wasted so many precious years on “that side of the table” oblivious to the whole rest of the world who were all quote unquote normal.

I remember back in the day occasionally looking up from my fun times out across the rooms at every one else, wondering why they all looked so BORED? All the “normal” people were having normal conversations, not too loud and not too crazy. I remember occasionally thinking they were all missing out! How naive I was!

And I also admit I remember wondering if they knew something I didn’t. If they had some secret to enjoying life without having to go all out. But I didn’t worry too much about them…only passing glances.

Now that I AM on that other side, that “normal” side, that “boring” side…it’s strange. For a while I was stuck in the middle—wanting to be with the fun ones and trying to change my life and be sober. But now, I can honestly say after last night that I am officially crossed over.

Sure it hurt my feelings when the one friend went to the bathroom and told the fun ones to rescue her from the sober and pregnant side of the table—it was so obvious, and after my initial hurt feeling I had to LAUGH because I had in my past done that exact same thing. I would have been MISERABLE on the “normal” side of the table and would have done everything in my power to make it over to the fun side, where the drinks were flowing and the cigarette breaks every 20 minutes.

And after my initial hurt feeling, and after I had to laugh, I was SO GRATEFUL that I was on the other side. I realized I was no longer in the middle, with one foot in the past and one in the future. Both my feet are now firmly in my new life. The “fun” side doesn’t look fun to me anymore. It looks old. I see wrinkles and hang overs and tiredness and one-upping and meaningless conversation. I see spouse bashing and not-so-innocent flirting. I see yuck. And I had to admit that I had spent the first part of the night moving away from that side, so I’m no different than they are..we all just want what we want.

Rob can take it or leave it..do the fun side or the “normal” side. I don’t know how he does it. If I were still a party girl, however, he would be permanently parked on the fun side with me. So, I think I am good for him this way, this sober way….he totally prefers to be with me, which I love love love. And so in a sense my sobriety protects him from that party lifestyle that is actually really unhealthy.

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