Trying to Figure It All Out

I’m reading all my Catholic prayers and books again. Retreating to my foundation because over the last six weeks I’ve lost myself a little. Whatever it is it’s not good and needs to change. So, here I am exploring it all in order to make sense of it.

Nine years ago, I quit my job as Advertising Executive to stay home with my new baby, but I had simultaneously gotten my real estate license. I was always working on my real estate business…but at least I was home.

But with the market down turn, a few months ago I gave up real estate altogether and resolved to be a “real” stay at home Mom. One that doesn’t have other obligations that compete with my Mom job.

New Year’s Resolution: learn how to cook. Sure, I could read recipes and cook if I was forced to. But what I really wanted to do was to learn how to like to cook. If I didn’t like it I wouldn’t do it well.

Time for dinner. Hurry up. What’s quick and easy? Frozen food. Microwave. Pasta. Canned vegetables. Hot dogs. I was just trying to get this cooking thing over with in order to move on to something more productive.

Chef Abbott Story at Salud taught me the “standard breading procedure” and how to roast a chicken. He taught me how to use knives and the reasons to use fresh ingredients.

I started cooking every night. Using real food. Nothing frozen, boxed or canned. And I was enjoying it. I would plan ahead, go to the grocery store almost every or every other day. I took my time.

I was transformed. I was excited to “serve” my children and husband. I kept the house clean and had sex with my husband more than ever before. I felt so secure..this is my vocation in life…to be a wife and mother and cook and clean and serve. I told my husband how happy I was and our home was so happy and clean and good-smelling.

I took care of myself, too…never missing my daily prayer-time, running at least 3X per week. My husband and kids were flourishing, and so was I.

Six weeks ago, my husband’s remodeling business came to a halt. Projects we had scheduled were cancelled. A mistake in stacked stone estimation caused a $5000 out of pocket mistake for us. Prospective customers are worried about the economy and putting off home improvements.

Suddenly, we needed money. I abandoned my newly discovered vocation to search frantically for a job.

I found a job selling memberships for the Dunwoody Chamber of Commerce. And I found another job selling web site design services. It seemed all the legitimate jobs with flexibility/work from home scenarios were in sales. So, off I went propsecting and selling memberships and web site design. Although it’s been four weeks and I haven’t sold anything yet.

Now I’m back to frozen foods, canned foods, messy house, obsessing about trying to make money and not making any at all. No order in our house. Picking on my husband all the time. I’m feeling anxiety every day. Not so much because we can’t pay the bills on time but because I am lost and not taking care of myself or my family any more.

A friend recommended the Chaplet to Divine Mercy. I said it three times last night.

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